I am a fighter.. well, I’m not sure I believe it entirely but in some small way I am a fighter. I’m choosing to celebrate and acknowledge that today, especially since what I want to do is the complete opposite. I want to stay in bed and never see the sun.. at least for a few days. I’m hoping in sharing the small ways I am a fighter, you will also see that you are a fighter.
I persevered and completed college at a great University (not Ivy League), but pretty damn good- in my opinion. I got in on basically academic probation. It was called FFP (aka Freshmen fuck up program, as known by all the students). I ended up graduating with a high B average. Not bad for a fuck up!!! Not honors but whatever. No one walks around with their GPA on their forehead, it’s meaningless people.
I did not get accepted into graduate school on my first try. I decided not to let that stop me and I took a class to improve my GRE score while also taking and acing a graduate course. I applied again and got into that graduate school!
I have difficult clients and families to work with in my occupation, and I could easily change clients. I stick with every difficult family, in hopes of learning something and/or winning them over. I think in my 15 years of working, I’ve only missed the mark with one mom. Well, that I know of anyways.
I stopped working out for a year but I haven’t given up. I started working out again and even joined a gym to keep me motivated. Hey even if it’s once a week it counts. I will not give up again! My health and sanity are important to me! I want to be around to bug my kids for a lot longer! I want to be able to run with my grandchildren and swing them around!
I keep trying out for plays and doing pretty well-for an amateur
I am still married 🙂 Just kidding, if you’re reading this hubby! I’m so lucky you choose to put up with me daily!
I continue to make my children play piano, even though I’d rather they give it up. It would save us all some headaches!
I get out of bed every day! So what if you wake up before 7 a.m. That’s all semantics, anyways. I get up before 9 a.m. and that’s all that matters.
On bad days, I drink some coffee or alcohol (depends on how bad it is) and I tell myself tomorrow is another day to get it right. Shake it off, sista!!
I face my demons… well, maybe I perseverate on them- but there’s that semantics again!! The point is, I eventually stuff them away. Hey even if it’s for a week- It’s a victory!!
When I look around and get overwhelmed, I call in reinforcement: cleaning lady, handyman, landscapers. I can’t do this on my own!
My house may be messy during the week, but come weekend it is usually showroom ready!!
Everyday I feel so lonely and disconnected but I make myself go out there, smile, and talk to people. I often invite people over to avoid this feeling.
I am constantly re-evaluating myself and figuring out how I can change and improve myself. I’m not going down without a fight!
SO now that I shared with you some of my accomplishments over my demons. In true people pleasing fashion, I will end by telling you what I struggle with. I can’t end this with you thinking that I love myself. I’m not comfortable with pride-It’s actually a sin I hear. Things I need to work on: worrying about things I can’t control, trying to please others, feelings of inadequacy, and vanity (my self worth is not determined by my looks). The last one is the hardest thing to deal with in this selfie lovin’ world. I wish I could just take one selfie that I’m happy with. No not happening, close ups are no good. Push that camera back a foot or two people.
I would like to take this blog in a different direction. Yes, it’s a new day and I’m changing some things but I’m still sharing my thoughts with you. I know you may have been worried with my long break from blogging! Right? I know you were losing sleep over this. Well, now you can relax. I’m back and I’m changing things up a bit!
My plan for this next year in blogging will be to keep my posts short and sweet! I’m not going to bore you anymore… I promise!!! As my blog name states I am very purposeful: goal oriented, driven, and faith focused. However, I am also confused: Everyday and every hour I wear a different hat. It’s hard to keep it all straight. I live in the grey area of life. I guess you would call me a liberal. I don’t believe in black and white. Unless we are truly talking about good and evil. I think everyone can agree on these things.
I am not inspiring and I am not even thought provoking. I don’t claim to be. What I have always wanted out of this blog is to connect with others. I think we can change ourselves in little ways for the better but we can never change who we inherently are.
Please if you are visiting my blog and want to connect please share who you are! We want to hear it!
I’ll begin. I’m a sensitive, fearful, neurotic, strong willed, open-minded, worldly, faith filled, emotional, cackling, go-getting, polite, empath, and generally speaking non-judgmental (unless you are judgmental and mean- then I will judge you!)
Who are you????? I don’t want your titles- I want you to describe yourself! We are so much more than these stupid titles we hold ourselves to. Tell me the good, bad, and the ugly, that is you!
So here is the final and last day of what you can do to spend some quality time with yourself…. READ a book! If you are not one to read then just get an audio book. It is the same thing! Your imagination will be expanded, as well as, your vocabulary– either way you do it!
I am currently taking an acting class and performing in a Shakespeare play, so I read Caesar. However, there are other books that I plan to keep on my nightstand for those times that I want to spend 15-20 min. recharging myself.
This is my list of books I will be reading in the coming year… Well, I hope to read anyway!
If you are interested in summaries on any of these books, please comment and I will happily post!
The first one on my list is Are You My Mother? by Alison Bechdel
“A sequel of sorts to Fun Home, Bechdel’s moving graphic memoir about her father, this one focuses on her mother-a writer and actress whose career went nowhere- and on Bechdel’s own rocky romantic and psychiatric history”
Yes, working out most definitely counts as doing something for yourself. I haven’t worked out in over a year. I told myself that working out at the local gym for one hr 2-3 times a week is really adding to my stress since I also work part time. I thought once I finally go back to work full time or close to it, I will never be able to wake up at 6am to work out. I decided that getting sleep was better for my health and evening workouts would never work because that’s family time. Also, if you have older children you realize that once they get home from school the rest of the evening is complete chaos. Get homework done, eat, go to soccer etc.
The decision to stop working out was the worst thing I could have ever done. The entire year I had something new wrong with me every week. I was depressed, had no energy and really felt bad about the way that I looked. I decided this year I would workout but not become a slave to it. I would do my best to workout whenever I could with the minimum being three times a week. I decided anything would count for working out and any amount of time would be sufficient.
Here are some examples:
Taking boxes to basement: add in running back up the stairs and doing a few extra runs just for exercise
T-25: Beach body DVD that I purchased through a Facebook garage sale for $40- what a steal!! The workouts are only 25 minutes!!! SCORE!!
Riding bikes with kids
Yoga in the morning
Walking kids to school and jogging home (it’s only a block- but hey better then nothing!)
Cleaning the house: vacuuming, bringing laundry baskets upstairs etc.
You Tube workout videos: just do 20 min of the video if that’s all you have time for
Roller skating/Ice skating
So today I did T-25, like I have actually been doing 5 times a week for three weeks now! It’s nothing new that I do for myself but today it made me really happy! I’m getting better at getting it done without stopping in the middle and I’m really finding that I have more energy!
— Which I’m definitely going to need … because.. remember that audition? Well, I got the part of Casca in Shakespeare’s: Caesar!!! This is going to be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life but I’m up for it, and I hope I rock the house!!
So for my “happy time” today, I really wanted to try and meditate-which did not happen. I couldn’t find the right time with all the cleaning and errands I had to run. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing hour and a half at Walmart but still not much “me” time. My usual hot spot is Target but I had some things I needed to buy for my little one’s birthday party that only Walmart carried. My daughter is in love with Rey from Star Wars and has to have a Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was so surprised that I could have just as much fun shopping at Walmart as I could at Target. My last experience at Walmart was anything but relaxing. It involved lots of carts crashing into me, people arguing with workers, and very long lines. Today was not like that all! Lucky for me.
The things I found for my daughter at Walmart were absolutely adorable. I get such a rush from buying stylish things at such a low price! Love finding that diamond in the rough! I will never understand people who buy the boots, or purses with the name brand on them when there are so many cute and adorable things out there that look so fabulous at more than half the cost! It just seems like those people are so brainwashed. My daughter is sleeping now but tomorrow I will add pics of her in these outfits because the Flat Stanley version of these just doesn’t do them justice!
Anyways, back to my Walmart excursion! Even though I enjoyed myself, I am not counting that as my “happy time”. After all, I was mainly shopping for my children and the house. If you’re shopping trip includes items for other people and/or your home then that does NOT count as your individual quality time to re-charge.
Since I couldn’t quite get into the frame of mind needed for meditation, I thought that having a movie night would do the trick. I would put the kids to bed a little early.. Oh, who am I kidding? I would put them to bed at their actual bed time 8:00 instead of the usual time I end up getting them in bed which is closer to 9:00. Anyways, I ended up reading a book to them and didn’t get out of their rooms until 8:30. We had to finish Treasure Island and we are now beginning the original Mary Poppins. I love reading books out loud to my kids because I treat it like an actual performance. It’s the one parenting thing that I’m really good at and my kids are always asking me to do it. I love to surprise them by raising my voice and it doesn’t matter what time it is- if the book requires shouting- then it’s shouting they get!!!! So by 8:30 I was finally out of their room or maybe a little after but still that is amazing for me. I felt like I had an entire evening left to myself. What would I do with all this freedom?
I decided I would watch Hot Tub Time Machine 2. (Don’t ask!) I did not want to think about anything and just wanted to watch something very silly, funny, and wrong. The first version of this movie was pretty dumb, I know, but still funny to me. I liked all the 80’s jokes. Well, #2 was soo horrible that after 5 min. I had to turn it off! Instead, I watched a taped episode of Saturday Night Live. Movie night turned into TV time but it still works!
What did you do with your free me time? I hope you were able to let the wind carry you away!
I’ve done it again! This is definitely a pattern for me. Some might say I’m a dreamer, an optimist, but I know that’s not true. I’m the most pessimistic, unconfident person out there. OK fine, I’ll agree with dreamer but nothing ever comes of my dreams. So here I go again. What am I doing on a community college campus? What in the world did I get myself into? Is this a mid-life crisis or something? I had this great idea to take an acting class while my daughter is in kindergarten. As I get out of my car, I realize it seemed like a much better idea in theory. I start to feel a bit warm in my cheeks and try to not look around. I just begin to smile and laugh. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m actually here. I wish someone I knew could see or hear me now. I hear music blaring from a car passing by and kids that look like they are not actually old enough to drive with their backpacks slung over one shoulder are on all sides of. One student seriously whizzes by on a hands free segway (the invention claiming to be the hoverboard). I find the building my class is in and after about 10 minutes going up and down the same staircases and back tracking down the same hallways I find my room. That was a feat in itself! This might have been the second sign from above that this was not a good idea- I think the man upstairs was telling me to get back in my car and go the hell home. The first sign was the four parking lots and 15 minutes of driving around before I could actually park my car. Some might say, “What ambition”, “What drive”, or “What perseverance”, but I know the reality is that I”m just dumb, crazy, and stubborn. So…. in I go to an almost empty classroom with only chairs- no desks to hide in. I smile and sit myself down hoping I might blend in, but who am I kidding I’m almost 40 and these kids I quite possibly could have babysat when I was in the eighth grade.
It’s in this class that I have to for the first time since I was a freshman in high school act out a scene from a play. That was over 24 years ago!!! Plus, I was only on the drama club for one year and I never actually performed in any real plays or musicals. All I could think about was what an idiot I was. Thoughts raced through my mind-none of them positive. You’re shy! You’re socially awkward! You are quite and not much of a talker! The only drama you express is in the comfort of your own home in front of your family. Let’s not forget that you have no confidence, and that you are essentially a very boring and uninteresting person! Plus, I think I might just lack emotion or affect in my voice. I have a horribly monotone whining voice. How the hell did I think taking an acting class was going to be a great idea! It’s like a bad audition for American Idol. Why doesn’t someone tell that person they suck!!! None the less, I do it and I survive. I think there were worse people than me but then again there’s no video to prove it.
So what’s the point here? What will I do now? Well, in reality I really don’t know. This is how most of my life goes. I never really truly know what I’m going to do, but for now I will continue on. I’ll finish this class even if it’s the most humiliating thing I ever do. Maybe it will give me confidence, make me more exciting to talk to at parties, or who knows maybe it’s something that can actually be learned even at an old age. I guess If there’s anything that I know about myself it’s that I’m not a quitter. I want to see this through-give it a real shot. It’s something I always regretted not pursuing. Maybe it’s a bucket list thing, maybe it’s a mid-life crisis- but damn it- I’m gonna see this thing through. I may be a complete and utter failure but I definitely am not a quitter. So guess what? The majority of people in this world are mediocre and average. There are only a small percentage of people who are great and phenomenal. These are only a select few. So stop quitting just because you can’t be that dynamic 10% of the population. What about the rest of us? Join the masses but don’t be like everyone else. Find your path, even if it’s a scary one and even if you might fail. You might learn something along the way. It might lead you to your true path, your purpose or your God given talent. The point is you’ll never know if you sit in your house and do the same thing everyday. Challenge yourself, get out of your comfort zone. God does not want us to waste this life. Keep trying to discover yourself. Never give up!! This is what makes life worth living.
Get out there and find your part. I’ll let you know how mine pans out.