Let me begin my cliche blog for today. Sorry to bore you with this mommy stuff but it’s what I’m feeling right now. I am sure others can relate. The blogs are overflowing with first day of school moments from every mommy blogger out there. So I am adding to the junk pile!
This stuff really creeps up on you!! I realize the gravity of this moment. My third child has just entered school full day for the first time ever. This is a milestone for both of us. She now steps into the realm of becoming a grade-schooler and I-well, I’m just not a young stay at home mom anymore. What the hell does that mean? Who the hell am I? I am constantly plagued with this question. Some people really know who they are at an early age. My whole life has been a constant struggle to figure this out. Guess what I think? That’s totally OK. I love that I have spent my life constantly experiencing new things, traveling and meeting all types of people. I have always pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I don’t fit a particular type and I think I might surprise people who actually take the time to get to know me. My friends also don’t fit a particular type. This can make things confusing in your own search for identity, but then again, it makes you realize that you don’t have to be just one thing.
So in this moment… this very brief moment. Yes, I am a grieving mother. I mean this in the exaggerated sense of the word. No disrespect to those people who are truly grieving parents! I walked into the mall the other day without my children and right smack dab in front of my face was the children’s playground. It was filled with young moms and their little ones. I loved the sound of the shrieks, laughter, and … yes, even the tantrums! I literally stopped in my tracks at the entrance of the massive mall and did nothing. I just took it in. My eyes started to get glassy and it hit me. Don’t get me wrong I was so excited to be shopping for a few hours without my children for nothing in particular! However, I realized that part of my life was now over. I would never have those moments again that all those new mom’s were having. For a brief second, I hated them. I wanted it back! Yes! I wanted to be at the mall with my children begging and bribing them to go to one more store. Nursing in the family restroom and drinking smoothies because I had no time for a proper lunch. I actually wanted that emotional roller coaster back! You know why?, because amidst all the chaos there were the hugs and kisses. There were the adoring looks and eyes of wonder. My children brought me joy and gave me a purpose. I was young and didn’t know what I was doing and that was exciting! I met knew people and new families. Every day was a new adventure.
Today I walked away from my kids school for the first time leaving all of them. They will be there all day and I will pick them up after seven hours. This is my new adventure! I will get back to me! I will remember what it’s like to do things for myself. I will work outside the home and watch my children grow up to be wonderful adults. It’s our job to raise them in order to join the world and form their own adventures without us. Now I get to focus on, my, next adventure… let them worry about theirs!
That’s today’s notion anyways….